The Elf On The Shelf Investigative Report!!! Update!!!

Last Christmas season we here at Lost and Found, berought you a special report on the Elf On a Shelf.....Today we revisit that report with an update.....So we all know who the Elf On the Shelf is.

The story dictates that the elf's main priority around the family's household is to keep watch over the children's behavior during the day and return to the North Pole overnight to report their behavior to Santa Claus, detailing any acts of obedience or misdeeds performed by a child during that particular day, returning home by the following morning.
Well Good kids probably don't need much attention and Bad kids, well after a few trips up North the Elf probably gets a little tired of rating out the little bastards. So with a bunch of time on his hands what do you think Elf does?
Our crack investigative team kept an eye out on Elfie during some off peak hours and this is what they found

Sometimes he gets just a little bored and finds some decent activities...

But we found out that Elf has a little problem with Alcohol...A touch of Nog

Leads to a little bit of Wine..

And then He hits the hard liquor

If we were lucky we found that Elfie just got Sick

And passed out

But other nights he was a little more ambitious hit that brown dust...

and find some of those hooker Barbie dolls to satisfy his urges

"No Ladies this will not end up on the Net!"

Other times he would go off the reservation completely leaving treats for the following morning

"That is for saying 'Elf On the Shelf looks at me creepy' you little brats!"

Sometimes he gets sick of Ken's stupid no dick ass after Watching Too Much Dexter

Or he would just get suicidal

"Yep! (BURP) this is rock bottom people"

But in the end he always did his job, even when santa would put him in a time out or rehab facility.

 

 

 

Just when we thought Elf got his shit together he went off the wagon big time this past year.

 

 It started with a bit of drinking again or as he said, "Well one won’t hurt”

 

 

 Well one lead to two, which lead to four which led to funnels with Spiderman

 

and Elf’s Barbie bitches…

This is where the story really goes wrong. Elfie started back in on the drug scene first buying extra perscription drugs

 

 

 Then he went apeshit snorting everything he could,

 

 

leaving a wake of destruction in his path.

 

 

He was having wild sex parties and no sleep, hopped up on all kinds of drugs ...

 

 

He was even kickin' it with real broads

He became a Zombie with all the drugs and booze flowing through his system....

 After a all night coke binge and and a Dexter marathon Elf thought he would become a vigilantie crime fighter,

 

 

 

He loved the taste of blood and soon was going back to ex girlfriends and killing them along with any men that were in the way.

 

 

 

The cops finally caught up with Elfie during the Ferguson riots

 He was looting with his buddy Jamal on the shelf…

Setting fires and just fucking shit up...

 He passed out inside a local store and when he woke up he was trying to get away with his Hooker Barbie friend he got busted….

 

Currently Elf is doing time on a counter upstate. No one knows if he will even report back to Santa this year....

The question is will Elfie ever get his shit together?